fifth business

I still Vehemently hate my period. The day I come off my pill all shit hits the fan. I can feel it coming, and no matter how logically I try to handle situations, or talk myself out of over reacting. Nothing. Nada. Not doing. I become paranoid, insecure, easily offended. I’ve read that it can be likened to withdrawl symptoms, and of that I have no doubt. I collapsed on my living room floor today crying and dry heaving for half an hour over something that didnt warrant it. Or if it does, it doesnt yet because nothing has actually happened. I then spent the rest of the day on pins and needles trying not to set myself off. I havent actually been able to finish any movies (happy or sad ending) because they all make me cry like a child. I can wait for this week to be over, and I am so glad its only a four day week, with a day off in the middle.

I had to cut my post short yesterday, Greg was visiting which is a rare occasion and he was making me giggle at silly online video’s. To continue with the rant about hormonal emotions and bad weather. Its odd how one day you go to bed feeling fine, and the next you wake up feeling like the fatest ugliest thing that ever walked the planet. How one lack of a positive comment can make you feel as though the world has lost all meaning. I hate that I have to bleed sp that the human race can continue to fluorish. I hate that it has to come with a hormone imbalance that causes one to be FUCKING CRAZY, all goddamn day.

My new neighbours are fighting. I hope this year wont be a repeat of my first apartment. I dont need to hear people fight and fuck ever again.

I might be a little bit drunk. Attila insisted I drink a bottle of wine with him, and although that wouldnt ussualy affect me in such a way, the lack of food has made it possible. I still feel like crap though, why do people drink if it only makes their problems seem worse? It’s a bit backwards to me.

You know I never remembered why I didnt eat. I just knew that I didnt eat, and eventually found out that it was called annorexia. But now I remember. If I concentrate on not allowing the pain in my stomach to affect me, it dulls all the other pain.

Just so no one worries, Im about to go eat something and then I am going out for lunch with Attila.

Today felt like a week. Oya woke me up at 5 am, mostly because I was whimpering in my sleep but also because she is vindictive like that. After feeding them the both proceeded to “cuddle” with me for the rest of the day, which generally involves sitting on my laptop or using my legs as scratching posts in their little kitty dreams.

I actually managed to clean today, which was something short of a miracle. I threw a lot of crap out (old yarn, old make up, things Id never want to use again). I also ate a row of cookies and a pizza pocket today. Thats all Ive eaten today, and it took me an hour to get through the pizza pocket. I have a feeling I am still doing better than my counter part, I wish I knew how he was. But crowding him doesnt seem like the thing to do right now.

During my bath* tonight (3rd bathe’ing in one day) I read an article Attila gave me regarding the age of the earth and all of these philosophers and scientists who tried to estimate the earths age in different ways. It was wildly interesting and amusing, some of the ways they attempted to estimate were amazing. And then there were the hilarious idea’s (that rocks had semen and could procreate was one of them). I am going to lunch with him tomorrow, he calls me his Vakker Dottir (beautiful daughter in norwegien) and always has new stories and articles to tell me. I am hoping it will pick me up a bit, or atleast get me out of the house for an hour or two.

When I ocme home tomorrow I need to stop at loomis, as with tradition in being upset, Ive started a new project but because I have packed up or sent most of my art supplies home, I need to buy some new paper. I am building a book. I really hope it works because I used the last of my cardboard for it as well as chopped up one of my favourite photo’s.

Blah Story time is over.

ps - thanks for calling Tash. Even if it was only for 5 minutes it helped.

* Side note - I also gave my cats baths tonight. They are not happy and I am fully expecting to wake up bleeding, or to have the last of my possesions pee’d upon by morning time.

Every thing tastes like ash. Not even chocolate tastes good. This is going to be the most hellish 3 weeks of my life isnt it.

ps - why is all the music on the radio SO fucking depressing today? not helping! although egg radio gets props for playingthe reading rainbow theme song.

my computer continues to tell me that. Tonight it is true. God, in the last 36 hours I have managed to blow something completely out of proportion, take an emotional dump on the one person I actually care about, and hurt them beyond repair. GO skipping your period. I would like to thank progesterone and estrogen and ofcourse myself. I couldnt have done this with out my own crazy over dramatic assumptions. GO ME! I am going to go hide under the blankets until monday. If you need me I will be living in the freezer at your local grocery mart, beside the double chocolate fudge crunch. Kthks.

One item affecting my status. My entire LIFE is affecting my status.  Fuck what a mistake. I am never taking other peoples advice ever again. I should have just fucking waited.